Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

It’s Only Common Sense: Dear Santa, Here’s My Sales Wish List

Christmas is coming, and every salesperson knows it’s not just time for eggnog and office parties, it’s the perfect time to ask Santa for a little extra something to boost their success in the coming year. Who better to help you hit your sales quota than the guy who delivers millions of packages overnight without missing a single chimney? Santa knows logistics, customer satisfaction, and how to work a tight deadline. So, what should a good salesperson ask of Santa for Christmas? Let’s look at the ultimate sales wish list with a little humor sprinkled in. 

A GPS That Finds the Closest Decision-maker
Dear Santa, I need a GPS that doesn’t just get me to appointments. I need one that beeps and says, “Recalculating… a decision-maker is five doors to your left.” No more meetings with assistants or middle managers who promise to “pass along” my proposal. Imagine the efficiency. Maybe, Santa, you could throw in a feature that politely suggests they bring donuts to the meeting.

The No-Rejection Shield
Dear Santa, please develop a force field that repels the words, “We’re not interested,” or “It’s not in the budget.” It doesn’t have to be flashy—just a simple gadget I can hold in my hand. When a customer says “no,” it triggers a Jedi mind trick: “You are interested in what I’m selling.” Of course, I promise to use it ethically most of the time.

A Crystal Ball with Accurate Sales Forecasts 
Dear Santa, you’ve got that magical snow globe, surely you can whip up one for me. Mine doesn’t need to show the North Pole, rather, which of my leads will actually close. No more time wasted on prospects who are “just curious.” With this crystal ball, I’ll know who’s ready to buy, when to follow up, and who’s ghosting me. Bonus points if it can tell me their preferred coffee order.

Unlimited Energy and a Coffee IV 
Dear Santa, being a salesperson is exhausting. Between the endless calls, emails, follow-ups, and driving all over town, sometimes I feel like I need a nap in the middle of my nap. Can you hook me up with an IV that delivers a perfect blend of caffeine and positivity? While you’re at it, how about a little sprinkle of patience for when I’m stuck in traffic or listening to yet another “We’ll get back to you.”

An App That Writes Perfect Emails 
Dear Santa, email is my nemesis. I spend more time agonizing over subject lines than I do closing deals. Can you make me an app that writes the perfect email every time? It should be warm, professional, impossible to ignore, and automatically include a P.S. line that reads: “By the way, our competitors love us too.”

A Magic Red Pen That Instantly Fixes All Contracts
Dear Santa, I’m no lawyer, but when a prospect crosses out terms in the contract or sends it back with “minor edits,” my head spins. I need a magic red pen that fixes all the problems in one swoop. It should be able to turn, “We’ll pay in 90 days” into “Payment upfront with a thank-you note.”

An Invisibility Cloak for Office Drama 
Dear Santa, sometimes I just want to sell stuff without being dragged into the office soap opera. I need an invisibility cloak when the gossip flies. Let me skip the debates about who stole someone’s lunch or why the printer is always broken and just allow me to hit my sales numbers and slide out unnoticed.

A Bag of Endless Promotional Swag 
Dear Santa, there’s nothing like a good giveaway to warm up a prospect, but my company’s budget-friendly swag (cheap pens and keychains), doesn’t exactly scream “premium.” Can you give me a bag of endless promotional items? Luxury branded notebooks, insulated coffee mugs, and maybe a few stress balls shaped like gold bars? It will make my prospects feel like royalty, and they’ll remember me long after the meeting.

The Ultimate Comeback Guide 
Dear Santa, I try to remain professional, but when a prospect says, “We’re happy with our current supplier,” I sometimes want to scream into a pillow. Can you bring me a guide with the perfect comebacks for every objection? Think of it as a sales Choose Your Adventure book. When they say, “We’re not looking to make any changes,” I’ll flip to page 12 for the witty response that makes them rethink their entire supply chain.

A Magic Button That Automatically Books Appointments
Dear Santa, scheduling meetings is like herding cats. Between their calendars and mine, it’s a miracle if anything gets done. Can you give me a magic button that syncs with every client’s schedule and books an appointment without 15 back-and-forth emails? I’d even settle for a button that guarantees no one cancels at the last minute because their dog ate the Wi-Fi.

A Networking Superpower 
Dear Santa, I’m good at small talk, but sometimes I need a little boost. Can you give me the superpower to remember every name, face, and tidbit about the people I meet? If I can casually ask a prospect about their kid’s soccer game or trip to Paris, they’ll think I’m a genius. Plus, it will save me the embarrassment of calling someone Steve when their name is Mark.

A Subscription to Santa’s Naughty List 
Dear Santa, what if you gave me access to your Naughty List? I don’t need to know who didn’t clean their room this year. I just want a heads-up about companies that are late payers or notorious for ghosting vendors. Think of how much time I’d save not chasing bad leads. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone where I got it.

A Good Old-Fashioned Lucky Streak
Dear Santa, I’d like a little luck. Just a sprinkle. Enough to get me through the tough days. Maybe a call gets returned sooner than expected. Maybe the buyer who always says “no” suddenly changes their mind. A streak of luck might be all I need to turn a good year into a great one.

The Spirit of Giving 
Dear Santa, all jokes aside, I know the real secret to sales success doesn’t come in a neatly wrapped package. It’s about building relationships, listening to your customers, and never losing your hustle, but if you can fit that no-rejection shield in your sleigh, I won’t complain.

As salespeople, we don’t need much to succeed—just determination, creativity, and maybe a few laughs along the way. Here’s hoping Santa delivers something extra special this year—not just the tools to close deals, but the joy of doing what we love.

Merry Christmas, fellow sales warriors. Let’s make the coming year our best yet. If you see Santa, tell him to call me. I’ve got some ideas for his pitch deck.

That, my friends, is only common sense.

Dan Beaulieu is president of D.B. Management Group.